So we have all experienced being broke, for me living in the UK, if you weren’t brought up in a well-off family with the right mindset and positive emotional connection to money, you’re relationship with money would be skewed.
The socio-economic factors of being brought up in a family allowed me to have certain associations and experiences with money, but living in debt never really allowed me to learn and understand the real meaning of its potential power. What kind of relationship did I have? How was I meant to see, feel and relate to money? I was meant to have money, but for what purpose?
So we tend to learn a lot about our experiences in life from our nearest and dearest. They did the best they could with the resources around them at the time, to try and teach you what you needed to know. So the way I look at it now, the way we think and feel about money is unconsciously learnt. What is it we are consistently saying when we talk about money? How do we see money and what consistent action do we employ? I used to find that I heard the same broken record. Similar conversation used to go like this “I never have enough money, I’ll guess I’ll just extend my overdraft”, “I need a small bit of cash, MUMMMMM.”
Raise your hand if you this sounds familiar to you?
There are two old philosophical approaches to thinking about money. We are Epicurean and Stoic. Here is a question for you, which one are you drawn to? The epicurean lifestyle is living ‘in the moment’, to fulfil the need for happiness through consumerism to create that emotional balance in yourself. Giving money away at your expense in the moment, then dealing with what you will feel like later? Or are you more of the stoics’ lifestyle of enduring the hardship of saving for future you? Do you capitalise on opportunities of procuring of money for security, which creates certainty, comfort and happiness? How do you feel about both? What will they do for you?
So subtly we learned these traits along the way. With this thought in mind, how do feel about receive money from someone or earning it on our own terms? We ask for more money because we never feel we have enough. We say things like “we just have enough to pay the bills.” What would you do with more money? I think it interesting how money allows us to buy space and becomes an extension of our worth. Does this mean more money; more acclaim, more honour, a better sense of self-worth?
You’ve heard these stories over and over again. The rich person who has loads of money is still unhappy and a man with little money is perfectly happy. In current common sociological rules, this makes no sense. The reason why this works is because we have found a good use for the money and we are not attributing the amount of money to who we are, but what money really is a means for. “Money is a great servant but a terrible master”. If we let money dictate how we feel, we are approaching it from a negative mindset. Do you have control and understand what you are using your money for? I never did, so I never had any. It would come in and it would fulfil my momentary needs, never thinking to invest it. I found within my work I was never very emotionally invested, so I would not get work, therefore, money would not arrive. I was not aware then that investing time and energy was an exchange for money. Also did not recognise that if I could give more value then I would receive the adequate return. Money is just energy and we need to see it in our minds and on paper to procure it and work out what energy is going to go into what process.
To use the example of a medical doctor they gave time and energy to learn and study their craft, which is complex and in depth. They did this for hours on end; henceforth they are rewarded with same energy back. Adversely you can amass money through doing loads of hours have no time left to enjoy it. Does this make sense unless you find significance and value in it?
If you took money away from everyone in the world, the rich and the poor, put it in one pot and they were told they could have a piece of it if they gave energy and value to a cause with an idea of the worth of it. People with the right emotional attachment and drive will be the ones who know what value it takes to have a larger piece of the pie.
Lastly, plan to have it and you will find a way of getting it. If we were forced by governments to cough up another 20% of our earnings we would find a way. This is how you must think about saving and earning. If you just focus on what you need, that’s what you will get. If you focus on the dreams you have with a plan and process you will amass the money you will need through time, energy and value.
So the advice I can give today is 3 things,
Decide what real reason we want it, understanding our fear to ask for it and the willingness to have it at what cost.
When we think about pleasing people what is the first feeling we experience? I tend to feel that sense of “it is the right thing to do”. In my previous blog on “Change your health change how you feel about life” I spoke in detail about my experiences at University where I had been reaching out and saying yes to everything to find that instant gratification of happiness through the vehicle of significance. A similar feeling happens when you think about ‘people pleasing’ but the topic has moved towards the need to be needed and that need of contribution.
Contribution is one of the six human needs and we very much disregard the purpose of this goal, what we will achieve and why on earth we are acting in this way. It seems funny that we tend to carry on even if it causes us to feel negatively about things. So by saying yes to everything I reached a point where I had lost where I was going and in its place the need to fulfil others arose.
Do you find that you have many solid clear goals in your life? This is a question that needs to be asked more. I had no goal or plan so had nothing to say yes to in my life and therefore I felt could never say no.
At that social period in my life I was finding my confidence in meeting new people and gaining new friends without really knowing what I wanted. Through self-exploration I now know that I have the ability to choose whom I befriend. This is more meaningful for both sides of the party. I came to terms with the fact that finding internal validation helped me a lot. I became a person who sort out people with similar values. Like instant gratification, external validation is short-lived and puts a strain on all parts of your life, and your time and energy.
What will this allow you to do? I learnt to be honest for the good of my relationships with my family, friends, and most personal relationship. I became a lot happier, learned that the people I gave my valuable time and support too and didn’t reciprocate this support were not people to have around in your life.
Yes, it will be challenging at the start, just begin with these small steps:
• Say no to the smaller things and you’ll be able to eventually say no to the bigger things. Alter the terms in such a way to enable you to reduce the amount your commitment.
• Learn to be okay with living your own life and having that sense of internal validation – give to people who give back.
• Give space for thought and take ownership before committing. Say, “let me get back to you” or “I’ll check my diary”.
• Finally get your goals straight and clear because then you know why you are saying no to things and yes to your life.
It’s a known fact that you must attend to your own air apparatus and then help those around to you. By acting this way you’ll be able to give others the solid value and meaning, which they need and know your time and energy is well spent.
How we shape our bodies shapes are our stories.
As a child we are born with that sense of curiosity, that eagerness to learn and be amazed by everything. We come out like a dry sponge ready to absorb what life is ready to give us; we actively seek experiences. Our bodies are in similar alignment: malleable, flexible, open and relaxed, they feel a need to grow and feel connection with the world around us. The connection of our maternal figure and masculine paternal figure hopefully give us the sense of love if born in the right circumstance. I myself was blessed with love in abundance, that physical connection, and the security to express myself – and yes I did. I very much needed that bodily contact and attention to fulfil those human needs. To my parent’s relief, my temperament change, I grew out of this by unconsciously understanding what it meant to experience unconditional love. I guess I felt it because I had no way of understanding what people were saying.
So when we think of our experiences of life, if we are blessed with all our senses we will tend to do this in an all encompassing way to be able to connected better and give better meaning to what we: see, feel, hear, smell and taste. This is so we can gain a more clear perspective and attach how we feel about certain experiences.
How did you grow up: actively experiencing life or passively?
I was very much actively involved in my life. I felt everything and if I couldn’t get my hands on it through play, I guess I couldn’t connect with it because it was less meaningful to me.
Things happen to us. Our response and way of dealing with this is to experience a physiological change which then sparks a negative or positive emotion which in turn tells us how we must feel and then how we can express this in thought. In the case of a negative experience our minds protects us from harm which results in it going back the other way; our physiology takes on our thoughts, which tell us how to feel and then how to emote and create the motion of physiological change.
So beyond the science of how everything is connected, as Amy Cuddy says, “nonverbal (physiological state) governs how we think and feel about ourselves.”
Let’s look at how you feel on a daily basis. Ask the question, which is one I asked myself, what’s making me feel the way I do? I had this epiphany towards the end of my time at University where I had reached breaking point. Experiencing new things on a daily basis coincided with an untimely tragedy in my personal life. This tested my ability to manage my emotions and resulted in me saying yes to everything I could. I felt the need to people please and fed on the instant gratification of happiness that this gave me. It was my quick fix, my short-term solution. Finally, one day my close relationship broke down, my focus to University dipped and my self-esteem deserted me. At that point my body gave out…and I dropped out.
The story gets better from here, I promise. But like I have been telling you, there is no quick fix, which I continued to discover. I came home and realised that the way that I had been behaving and holding myself was not the solution. Treating my body like this had created so much tension that it had changed the way I had felt and reacted to things in my life. I needed a change. I stopped going out and drinking as much. While this was a step in the right direction it wasn’t the profound change I was seeking. Aware of this, after meeting my new girlfriend towards the end of University I thought that I had sussed it, I thought had found the cure to my unhappiness. I threw myself into work. For 2 years I worked all hours of the day, 70 hours weeks on average. Without experiencing significant pleasure or pain we tend to accept where we are and that it is just the norm. So after I had put my body under stress from all this work and not focusing my time in the right places I realised that my health and my lifestyle needed to change. I was not doing something I loved, my performance at work was suffering and my relationship had suffered to the point of no return.
Recognising this I decided to clean up, sleep better, eat better and exercise more. I changed my posture, got practices in my daily life that promoted flexibility of my body. It was strange to see and feel that I had started to think more clearly and felt lighter.
Over a period of time it became habit and after experiencing this new world I wanted to develop in other areas of my life and came across NLP. This in turn led to discovering a whole world of like-minded individuals such as Tony Robbins who embody this ethos in their lives everyday. One of the things that really stuck with me, and I had never made this connection was you have an influence over the way you feel and interpret your emotions by creating movement and space in your body. Henceforth, change happens when we change our biochemistry through choice of food, drink and exercise. Robbins suggests, “Motion creates emotion”. Finally, the penny dropped. If I changed how I felt in my body, my mind would be more clear and my emotions in balance and therefore easier to understand.
So what I would love you to take home from this is that we only have one body in our life and it is our only vehicle to allow us to experience new things, people and places. Self-awareness of the way you hold yourself and how you treat your body will end up tell you the story of your life and may even dictate it. I hope you give time to being healthy in body so you are healthy in mind and soul.
I took the decision to approach my life with this outlook and now I own it. Creating a way to practice a happy life is always a working progress however for the past few years it has helped me gain more clarity and perspective in the direction that I am moving in. Life will always present challenges and by changing the way I project myself moving forward, I have a higher and healthier self-confidence and self-esteem. As Zig Ziglar says “you have be what you want in your mind, body and soul first. Then do it and then you will have it.”
Procrastination – your relationship with your willpower and fear.
Do you think that your willpower and your emotions have a weird way of running you? Also, let’s look at how it affects your day-to-day life and achievements?
What does procrastination do for you?
Understanding the ‘WHY’ for procrastinating is great but the most important aspects are paying attention to how you act and behave, the day-to-day routines and techniques that can help you on your way.
How efficient are your current day-to-day doings? By chance have you ever considered these three questions?
What are your real reasons behind your actions? How clear is your plan? How effective are things working for you right now?
There is plenty of content that we can access via the Internet from mentors, gurus, and books. The main thing we need to be aware of is if these tips and techniques are in such abundance. We have all the strategies and routines available to us, why are we not using them and doing it? It comes down to how we feel right now and how we will want to feel in the future.
Before I was a coach I had no aspirations, never planned anything and was about organised as the stock market. So you’ll agree that I was very present in what I did although maybe this was less helpful for years to come.
We live in a world of instant gratification and never really stick to goals because we jump the next thing that makes us happy. Ever thought how tiring this could be on your mind, body and you as a person? I have considered that after close analysis that the one thing that I have found, and I hope you can relate to, is that when you change the state of your body it creates a change of my state of mind – this is profound.
So from this taking into consideration the real reason you do something is because it comes back to happiness and your state. Invest in your life, as Arnold Schwarzenegger said if you want to do the things that you are passionate about and enable you to be happy, you’d have to create a vision rather than setting goals. But setting and achieving small goals this could be a starting point and a way of getting that instant gratification day to day that we seek. By doing this it can only create the stepping stones to really forming a good vision that becomes clear for you. Life does not create deadlines you have to be willing to create them for yourself and commit to them.
Does this seem like a person you want to be?
Just working hard and it becoming your be all and end all, creating goals that just allow you to survive.
I believe you are more than that. You need to add a pinch of working smart and give your time, attention and focus to what is really important and urgent to you. I think we need to recognise that we spend at least two-thirds of our life working not really enjoying this time that we have so much little of (approximately 25,000 days). That does sound like a fun life at all. Is life really always about working to pay the next bill to make sure we stay in the black?
Stop procrastinating and change your focus. Easier said than done, I know.
Les Brown the infamous inspirational speak said “if you spend your life doing the easy stuff then life will be harder if you spend your life doing the hard stuff then your life will be easier.
Stuff may scare you; goals take you to the next achievement and the next. If you’re someone procrastinating because you are unsure at the moment about your vision, try new things and connect with more people this will give the reassurance, encouragement, and happiness to keep you hungry.
If you are someone who knows what they want and is scared or fearful of the consequence:
Firstly these experiences haven’t happened yet and you’re not a psychic;
Secondly, what would you say to yourself if you were 85 years old and sat in a rocking chair would you regrets your decision?
Finally be vulnerable and courageous, you’ll connect more with yourself, more with people and become clearer in what you really want to achieve and having that sense of fulfilment.
So like this blog I just had to start it, for me, there was absolutely no other option. Whatever you are looking to do – just begin it.
Anything that is worth doing, is worth doing badly until you get it right.
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